New York Metropolis rats: In the event you’re studying this, it’s time you pack your baggage and scurry out of city, as a result of your days working this metropolis are numbered. Mayor Eric Adams’ workplace has posted an unhinged job itemizing for a Director of Rodent Mitigation aka Rat Murderer, and so they imply enterprise. The official description reads:
“The perfect candidate is very motivated and considerably bloodthirsty, decided to have a look at all options from numerous angles, together with enhancing operational effectivity, information assortment, expertise innovation, trash administration, and wholesale slaughter.”
Adams even personally posted the itemizing with some sturdy phrases of his personal:
Adams has been on the anti-rat beat for a whereas now. Again when he was Brooklyn borough president, he bragged about killing 107 rats with a machine he helped create known as the “Rat Bucket.” The Rat Bucket trapped after which drowned the pests in a vinegar resolution. It’s a cute little science honest craft—however in the end, there are greater than 107 rats in NYC, and town wants an actual killer to deal with the remaining.
Not solely do I hope they discover the candidate who has a “virulent vehemence for vermin’’ and “the drive, dedication and killer intuition wanted to combat the true enemy[:] New York Metropolis’s relentless rat inhabitants,” I hope they get it all on tape. In truth, I need an entire actuality competitors present produced to doc my metropolis’s seek for the final word rat hunter.
Earlier than changing into Jezebel’s preeminent low-stakes area of interest gossip blogger, I dabbled within the tv and movie trade and may sniff out a superb present premise once I see one. Right here’s what I’m considering: job candidates, all presumably grizzled males—and a handful of sharp witted lanyard lesbians—who stay within the metropolis’s outer boroughs compete in weekly pest extermination challenges. Assume Survivor meets The Apprentice.
Every episode would have bodily obstacles, like chasing rodents via a duplicate of Manhattan’s sewer system. Each different episode would have a psychological and mathematical part, like the way to organize a metropolis block’s trash cans in order that the rats can’t entry their filthy feast. Then there’d be extra psycho-social challenges—like do the opponents have the savvy and stamina to social gathering all evening with Eric Adams’ rat pack of associates?
As for judges, Adams is clearly on the desk. I’d additionally prefer to see Fran Lebowitz, Spike Lee, and the Bare Cowboy on the tribal council to resolve who, every week, doesn’t have what it takes to “maintain town’s rats in verify and on discover,” because the job itemizing reads. Oh, and the host would clearly be John Turturro.
The winner of the present could be named the Rat King, and the ultimate shot could be of them strolling right into a darkish subway tunnel, prepared to start their bloody reign.
Ought to some good producer settle for my free concept, I’d identical to to want good luck to the contestants and the rats. Could the percentages be ever in your favor.